Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT can help you control the dificult emotion of anger, if you are willing to try some of these tactics:

•   When you see someone lose control, mentally trace the occurrence to the originating thought, belief, or emotion. Then see the parallel within yourself.
•   You can soften a heated argument by using the statement, “You may be right.” Without an opponent, the adversary may calm down.
•   Similar to the previous suggestion, sometimes you can just make a noncommittal “Huh” or “Hmmm” as an answer, perhaps nodding your head. Maybe the other person just needs to let off steam. By not fueling the fire, it will go out.
•   Concentrate on abdominal breathing. This deep breathing, as opposed to shallow chest breathing, tends to quiet the emotions.
•   Find some common ground with your adversary and talk about something neutral-movies, weather, noninflammatory current events.
  With a little something in common, the fight may stop.
•   Use the empty chair technique associated with Gestalt therapy. Place an imaginary version of the person you want to yell at in the chair and have at it. Eventually the angry energy will subside and you will run out of words.

Deconstruct Attitudes Underlying Anger

Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy, one of the building blocks of CBT, believed that most of the faulty thinking that underlies anger can be grouped into four general categories:

1.   Awfulizing
2.   Can’t-stand-it-itis
3.   Should-ing and must-ing
4.   Damnation

Managing Your Rage

There is an old axiom, “When you are angry, the other person wins,” and this would undoubtedly be even truer in situations of rage. Rage is an emotion of complete loss of control, creating danger for everyone in the environ-ment, including the rager. One cannot live a peaceful, serene existence with the threat of rage constantly boiling under the surface.

Examine the Origins

Over and over again you are asked to look at the roots of your beliefs, but in the case of rage, it is especially important. Are there situations in your childhood where you saw people raging at each other, either verbally or physically, and no one stopped it? Was terrible injustice inflicted upon you-incest, public humiliation, or physical abuse? Were you trained to believe that you basically had no rights and it is up to you to wreak havoc on your environment in order to equalize a horrible, unfair situation? Do whatever you can to remember the roots, write them down, and verbally share them with a trusted person. You may experience a wake of grief following this house cleaning. Elicit support for the grief as well, as it is likely that the emotions are that of a helpless child who was fearful for survival.

Physical Strategies

If possible, remove yourself from the immediate situation in order to calm yourself. If you are driving, pull over for a few minutes. If you are having an altercation with a child, place the child in a safe place and go a few paces distance, keeping the child within view. Instruct the child that you expect him to stay right there for a few minutes while you work off some anger. If it is an adult, simply leave the room with or without a statement of explanation.

Exert your body in whatever way is convenient and helpful to you. Briskly walk around the block a few times. Run at the gym or local track and state calming affirmations to yourself. Use the fight-or-flight adrenaline to energize your workout. Swim laps. Turn on some disco music and act crazy. Plug in to your favorite iTunes playlist and walk as far as you can, and then turn around and come back. Walk faster than you believe you can.

Breathe deeply from the abdomen. Focus on deep breaths originating in the belly and exhale as completely as you are able. This discipline has the effect of calming all your bodily organs, including your mind.

If you are able to admit that you create your rage within yourself, you have won the battle against rage. The central premise of CBT is that the person is responsible for thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It’s the end of the line for the Blame Game.

Some people who struggle with rage find it helpful to physically pound it out in a safe way. For example, martial arts studios offer opportunities to beat up on a stuffed dummy over and over again. You can use a plastic bat and pound it on a bed or a stack of pillows. Formal classes in boxing or Model Mugging have been helpful to many who struggle with anger. In these protected situations, you have help in following a specific sequence to work yourself down from escalated emotions.

Time-Out

Whenever possible, extricate yourself from the volatile situation, even if you have to be rude. You want to protect yourself and the other person. Otherwise you may find yourself behind bars and your portrait displayed in the local crime news. These are probably not your aspirations, so it is important to allow yourself a buffer of time and space in order to regain your rational thinking. You will calm down and remember the consequences of angry behavior, and these are likely not the consequences that you want.

Ask for Help

It can be very helpful to have a phone network of friends who share a similar mindset as you continue your effort to rein in your rage. Keep current with these people, and cultivate a stable of supporters who are willing to be called at varying times of the day and night, knowing that you will need to be talked down from a dangerous situation. Know who is able to receive texts and can be a touch point during your stressed moments.

Seek out anger management groups to learn more of your own dynamic and get practical help in calming the raging person within. These groups can be found in mental health centers, churches, counseling practices, and twelve-step centers. Many such groups will be offered at a minimal cost.

Draw upon your spiritual beliefs to sustain you during your times of lack of control. Again, breathe deeply, and ask for divine guidance, support, and sustenance, however you imagine that entity existing and taking care of you.

Ask for help in getting through that difficult moment and for the underlying destructive patterns of thinking and feeling to be removed and released.

Keep a Log

Some CBT therapists suggest that the habitually angry person closely examine happenings throughout the days and weeks that seem to precipitate angry outbursts. It is common for angry people to not really understand the nature of their emotions and behavioral patterns.

Some items to note in such a log could include the following:

•   What event happened?
•   What was your reaction?
•   Are there memories or triggers for the reaction?
•   What are you thinking while you are angry?
•   How did you handle this situation?
•   Do you always respond in the same way? Why or why not?
•   What is the response of other people when you are angry?

This type of record-keeping enables you to look at exactly what is happening so you can see the patterns. Then you have the power to change the patterns. This work is like a puzzle.