When a child or teenager is distraught, it is always helpful to quietly ask how he feels and what is going on. Ask what happened earlier in the day.
Patiently listen as he tries to formulate words around the disturbing situa-tion, resisting the temptation to put words in his mouth as he describes what led up to the emotional distress. A teenager who is guided through this process of picking out negative beliefs may react with anger, if he is not comfortable with the emotions of sadness and profound sorrow.
Family Origins
It seems to always come back to the family. This is where attitudes and beliefs are formed during a child’s vulnerable years. Author and social worker Judy Scheel lists in her book, When Food Is Family, several family conditions that foster harmful self-concepts and beliefs:
- The child is criticized and shamed
- The child is an extension of the parent’s unfulfilled aspirations.
- The parent is controlling and over-involved, sometimes termed the
“helicopter parent.” - The parent cannot tolerate normal emotions in the child.
- The parent is unable to work for long-term results.
- The parent is envious of the child.
- The parent has unresolved issues from childhood.
- The child is used in situations of parental or marital conflict.
- The child is a scapegoat.
- The child is valued for what she does rather than who she is. The parents determine their worth from the achievements of the child.
- The family has no vocabulary for emotions.
- The parents insist that the child be perfect.
- The parents do not allow the child to express anger, sadness, or fear.
- The child is not trusted to work things out on her own.
- The family does not openly discuss important events such as moving, job loss, divorce, serious illness, or death.
This type of home atmosphere sets the stage in which the child learns that she is a pawn, a useful servant, or an achieving machine who is pivotal in keeping the precarious dynamic of a dysfunctional family together. She may not learn until much later in her adult years that she is lovable, impor tant, and worthy of being heard and having her needs met.
According to developmental psychologist Jean Piaget and other researchers, children are able to understand the concept of death by about age seven. They begin to grasp that it is permanent and that they did not cause the death. They see that it happens everywhere in nature, perhaps with the passing of a beloved pet. Piaget called this stage of cognitive development the concrete operations stage.
Counteract Negative Beliefs
It is possible to mend child and adolescent mistaken beliefs by telling them often the opposite idea. For example, if a boy feels that he is clumsy and can never do anything right, reassure him every day: “You’re doing fine.
You did a really good job of moving all those things into the closet. Thank you!” It will take numerous repetitions to counteract several years of wrong ideas, but the positive result is worth it.
ESSENTIAL
Treat a child or adolescent’s questions and conversations with dignity and importance. Take the time to have real discussions, and never talk down to someone younger, dismissing honest curiosity simply because the person is a child. When listened to attentively, children are capable of profound discussions, such as the nature of God, death, and the strange varieties of human personality and behavior.
Another way to encourage the replacement of harmful beliefs is to encourage positive discussion when the child displays interest or enthusiasm about a situation or particular topic. For example, if you know a young boy is obsessed with cowboys, horses, and the lifestyle of the late 1800s, it would be a good opportunity to take him to a museum that shows true artifacts from that era. He might enjoy watching old western movies with you, and you can discuss the lifestyles of those who cooked around a campfire and moved large herds of cattle from one state to another. When the healthy interest is nurtured, the negative beliefs fall away, as there is no room for them.
Children need considerable guidance in learning how to function in the world. Parents and other caretakers have quite important tasks in assisting younger ones as they negotiate life’s terms. It is one of those jobs where you do not get an owner’s manual, and once you know what you are doing, the children are grown!
Perfectionism
Watch out for signs of perfectionism in children and adolescents. If the parent struggles with perfectionism and esteem issues, it is quite likely that this trait will show up in the next generation. Be alert to indications that the child is trying hard to meet needs for the parent so the mother or father can feel safe, successful, and competent. This function should not be a task for a child, but sometimes it shows up with parents who are struggling while the child is highly competent.
Alice Miller’s classic, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, delineates the dreadful dangers of parents using a gifted child to achieve their own identity needs. Children who grow up in such an unbalanced dynamic have lifetime difficulties in sorting out their talents, interests, and desires because it was imperative in the family that the child meet the needs of the parents first. Of course, this is wrong.
What can you say to a child who is exhibiting perfectionistic behaviors and thinking patterns? Any of the following statements should calm the child and alleviate the uncomfortable emotions:
- “It’s okay to make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes.”
- “That worked out in a surprising way. What do you want to do now?”
- “I love you no matter what.”
- “We love you for who you are, not what you do.”
- “It’s impossible to be perfect. Let’s just take it easy about this.”
- “Next time something different will happen. No problem.”
- “Material things are always replaceable. The important thing is that you’re fine.”
- “Let’s try this a different way.”
- “Could we set this aside and come back to it later?”
Mess Up on Purpose
If children tend to be too concerned about doing everything correctly, it relaxes everyone in the family if some activities are enjoyed that do not have a particular identifiable goal, such as art, exploration, or being silly. If you decide to experiment with some art materials, resist the temptation to present a plan or goal. Especially with young children, just fooling around with color and other substances is relaxing, teaching them the physical properties of paint, paper, brushes, and glue. The final product is of no importance, and making it so puts too much pressure on the child.
