Getting Out of Negative Cycles

The first step to getting out of a negative spiral is to become aware of it occur-ring. Oftentimes the habit is so deeply ingrained that it seems a natural part of life. One almost becomes resigned to the inevitability of the negative.

After Awareness, What?

The awareness is a jolt. For example, a man discovers that he has a pattern of choosing women who are with someone else, while he is also in another committed relationship. He slowly forms the relationship with the other woman, shifting her allegiance from her mate to him. He disentangles himself from his primary relationship and forms a primary relationship with the new woman, believing that this is it. Finally he is settled and happy. The surprise is that the pattern happens every seven years, and he has been through three major cycles of this type by the time he is in his mid-forties!

In order to change the pattern, he has to face the emotions and seemingly reasonable motivations for making the change to yet another woman.

This may require therapy, serious spiritual or psychological work, facing one’s addictions, and a willingness to endure quite difficult emotions as they come to the surface. CBT can be helpful in such efforts to release a negative pattern. He could repeatedly say to himself any of the following:

•   “I’m not at the mercy of this pattern.”
•   “My wife loves me, and I’m staying with her!”
•   “The grass is not always greener somewhere else.”
•   “I am finished with the pattern of subterfuge and disloyalty.”
•   “I am a mature, stable person, and I now face my true difficulties.”
•   “I, and only I, am responsible for my actions.”

Changing deep-seated patterns of negativity is never easy, as the patterns seem to be based on fact. The facts seem compelling and worthy of your focused attention! They are not. One has to muster up the courage to let them die a natural death, moving deliberately in a different direction. For example, one can stop complaining that there’s a recession and adapt to an interesting type of work that is in demand in the present economy.

Physical Symptoms of Resistance

Often the body does not want to cooperate with you when you let go of negative patterns. Symptoms of fear may arise-sweating, increased heart rate, and elevated blood pressure. These primitive reactions are often deeply set in place from childhood occurrences. Perhaps a child was severely reprimanded when he stated his true feelings or preferences.

Later, he shaped his adult life in order to avoid any type of confrontation, as the emotions were too severe to endure. Then it becomes time to state a true want, and the old emotions come to the surface, accompanied by heart palpitations, nervousness, and a strong feeling of wanting to run away. The primitive fight-or-flight response is at work here, and the person has to calmly breathe and speak to himself as if he were that little child being severely reprimanded. One can say something like any of the following statements:

•   “There is no danger here.”
•   “I will take care of you, no matter what.”
•   “This is only a feeling. I won’t die from it.”
•   “That was then, and this is now.”
•   “I’m entitled to my own wants, preferences, and tastes.”
•   “Those voices are from the past.”

• “Those people who yelled at me and threatened me are not here right now.”
•   “All is well. This is just a new experience. The next time will be easier”

The Perils of Black-and-White Thinking

Perceiving only the extremes of a situation leaves out a lot of possibilities.

The range of responses is narrow, and it appears to be either-or. Such a rigid perceptual system is not especially relaxing, and one often ends up backed into a corner.

Explore the Gray Area

Often there is a wide space between black-and-white conclusions. It adds to the complexity of life to become aware of that gray middle area. For example, a woman who has suddenly left an impossible relationship feels that her alternatives are few. She lived with the partner and was financially dependent upon him. She feels that her only alternatives are to get a job that earns a six-figure income, so that she can support herself in the style to which she was accustomed when sharing a house with the mate, or at the other extreme, to stay in a domestic violence shelter for a time. These extremes of thinking immobilize her, as they feel impractical and alien to her lifestyle.